A Whack to the Noggin
by Schadenfraude
Summary: What would Fire Emblem have been like if there was some mischief and trouble caused by random things? Rated for language and mentions of adult-themed stuff.
1. Eli's Elite

Note: Just in case you don't know, noggin is sort of another word for head. And the title doesn't have much to do with... anything except that I had heard that some people became stupid because of repeated blows to the head. No offense to anybody.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem. I never will.

Quote: "Gorilla and man are different in numerous ways. But there's that occasional gorilla that's more humanoid than the rest."

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**----- Eli's Elite**

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Bartre had been sparring with Dorcas on a nice sunny day in Pherae before they had joined up with Eliwood. But that's not important. The fact that Dorcas was frowning is important. I know, he's always frowning, but this time it's because he hadn't been too obliged to spar with Bartre. Bartre had jumped him from behind and challenged him.

Then he had tripped and landed face-first in the ground.

Dorcas pitied the idiot, something that he would regret for quite the while, and tentatively accepted the challenge. And the fought on... on... ... ... ... on Natalie's clothing lines. Dorcas had pitied Bartre enough to let him choose the location. Not the smartest thing to do.

A crowd gathered to watch the two of them fight. Many "ooh's" and "aah's" were heard as the two managed to parry and dodge each other. It's not that impressive but something had to be given to them for fighting on clothing lines.

His wife nearly had a heart attack when she saw the sight before her, of her husband fighting another guy on her clothing lines while trying to keep their stability.

"AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" cried out Natalie in shock, "GET OFF MY CLOTHING LINES!"

Dorcas immediately jumped off but Bartre was stubbornly enraged at the thought of stopping the spar mid-way. Later, a broom, the small kind that comes with a dustpan, knocked him off. Never underestimate someone with a broom, even if she has a handicap. Dorcas sweat dropped. Bartre was now unconscious on his back. Natalie approached a sweating Dorcas.

"NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!" she yelled at him.

"I'm sorry, Natalie!" apologized Dorcas, "I know it's not safe but-"

"YOU GOT MY CLOTHES DIRTY! THEY'RE ALL TORN AND MUDDY BECAUSE OF YOU AND THAT GORILLA!"

". . ."

It was official. The world has gone mad. A handicapped woman was now reprimanding her husband who was one of the men that would one day help beat a ferocious dragon because he had gotten her clothes dirty since he had pitied another guy who was an idiot but also would help beat a ferocious dragon and had chosen his wife's clothing lines as the battleground for a spar because of God-knows-why.

Dorcas then noticed that a certain article of clothing was in Bartre's hand. Dorcas "meeped", knowing the severe consequences of finding your wife's... stuff in the grasp of a... friend. Dorcas tried to pry out the article of clothing as Natalie was waving her little broom at the crowd that was watching the fight and threatening to cause them bodily harm if they didn't leave. Dorcas struggled with pulling the garment of clothing out. But unfortunately, Bartre's subconscious desire was to hang on... That's just wrong. Dorcas pulled and pulled. He was running out of time. He would be in serious trouble if Bartre doesn't let go by the time that his wife finished making threats. With a final yank, the piece of clothing was finally free. It was now in Dorcas' hands. "AHEM!"

Dorcas "meeped" again and sloooooooowly turned toward his wife. He sheepishly grinned. When he realized that Natalie was looking at the piece of clothing he had salvaged from Bartre's death grip, he tried to hide it.

And that was how a frowning Dorcas, with a throbbing red handprint on his face, was kicked out of his house for the day along with Bartre because they were "threats to the 'civilized' society of Pherae". It just so happened right there and then that a knight with an odd odor appeared and that Bartre had disappeared off to God-knows-where.

"Where's that dang fool, Bartre?" thought Dorcas aloud.

"IT'S 'LADY ELI'! SHE'S HERE!" cried out the knight who had suddenly appeared out of nowhere in an odd attire.

" 'Lady Eli'?" repeated Dorcas.

"IT'S 'LADY ELI' OF PHERAE! SHE'S HERE!" cried out the knight once again.

". . . Don't you mean Lord Eliwood?" questioned Dorcas.

". . . I heard the name 'Eli' of Pherae while I was hiding in a bush to collect info for the townspeople," explained the knight.

A few moments earlier -----

The knight was hiding in a bush with twigs stuck to his helmet. His green armour was decorated with brown spots made of God-knows-what. He was planning on gathering info on the noble who was paying a visit to this part of Pherae.

"Come Lowen!" called out Marcus, "We, as knights of Pherae, must protect-"

Dirt somehow got its way into the knight's ear. He paused and scratched it out. Due to that, he didn't hear a word.

"Eli-"

"AAAAAAAAAARRGH!" howled Bartre as he tackled Marcus just when Marcus was about to finish his sentence. "TAKE THAT, BANDIT SCUM! THAT SHOULD TEACH YOU TO USE HARD WORDS ON BARTRE THE BRAVE!"

The knight now ran off, satisfied that he had learned of the lady's nation and her name, but a bit confused at "Bartre the Brave's" entrance.

Back to the Present Moment -----

Well, Lord Elbert might have had decided to get another one and happened to get a girl and called her "Eli".

"Uh, I have a question," said Dorcas. "Did you happen to see a guy who's extremely... stupid?"

"Hm," said the knight thoughtfully, "there was this guy who called himself 'Bartre the Brave'. He tackled 'Lady Eli's' right-hand man."

"..."

There's never a dull moment when it comes to Bartre. And so, Dorcas rushed off to find him. The knight started rubbing the brown spots off his armour. Just then, the knight's horse came in. The digestive system of an animal is very useful.

When Dorcas finally found "'Eli's' Elite", Bartre had been tied up. Dorcas tried a formal greeting. He approached Lady "Eli". Odd. She didn't look much like a female. She didn't seem to have any physical feminine characteristics. She had a small chest, for one.

"You must be Lady Eli," said Dorcas.

"Lady Eli" looked at Dorcas in confusion. "... I'm LORD EliWOOD."

"Oh. I heard from a knight, who was hiding in a bush, that you were 'Lady Eli'," commented Dorcas.

"I knew it!" cried out a knight with shaggy green hair. "I knew that bush looked suspicious!"

"Oh," added the knight, "and my name is Lowen."

Dorcas stared. Sure, it's not polite to stare. Mothers all over the planet say that. But that Lowen guy probably wouldn't have noticed.

"... I'm over here," said Dorcas.

The knight, Lowen, had been talking to a green-haired girl with a lime green bandana instead of his intended target. Lowen corrected his mistake and turned around to face Dorcas.

"...What did you mean by the bush 'looking' suspicious?" asked Dorcas. How the heck did that guy, who was blind as a bat, suspect that there was a knight hiding in the bushes? He was a bit afraid of the answer.

"Well, it didn't really 'look' suspicious," responded Lowen, "it sort of 'smelled' funny."

Dorcas decided that he didn't want to go into further details. Who would have?

"Hey Dorcas! Help me!"

Uh oh. That voice is way too familiar. It represents doom, death, terror, horror, despair, dismay... and evil. It was...

Bartre.

"THESE IDIOTS-"

Speak for yourself.

"-TIED ME UP!" he bellowed. "UNTIE ME!"

"Eli's" Elite stared at Dorcas. "Do you know him?" asked Eliwood.

"...Yes, I do," said Dorcas.

"Unfortunately," he added after a short moment's pondering.

"Hm? Did you say something?"

"No, not at all."

And so, Bartre was freed and he tried to maul our favourite exp hog, Marcus. Unfortunately, he failed to do so. Drats. If he had succeeded, maybe there'd be one less absolutely-useless-paperweight-that-hogs-exp unit.

Bartre and Dorcas made a pact with "Eli's" Elite. They were to fight alongside them in exchange for money for Natalie's medicine. Oh joy. That was the very thought of Dorcas. It wasn't really like that Natalie really needed the medicine; she did pretty well without it. She had, after all, knocked out a fighter with a small broom.

"AAAAAR-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

The battle had started and Bartre made his war cry. Well, just one part of it. Apparently, those bandits were total sissies. The girl with green hair and a lime green bandana popped up behind the bandits. She greeted them cheerfully.

"Hi! I'm Rebecca and-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

The bandits screamed again. They probably let Rebecca finish half a sentence because she was less scary looking than Bartre. Before the battle had begun, Bartre found something on the ground and decided to eat it. Nobody knows what it was, but he kept on foaming at the mouth. They tried to ignore it but Bartre kept on sticking his mug in their mugs, which is very distracting. Rebecca screamed, Dorcas punched him, Eliwood nearly decapitated him in shock, Marcus reprimanded him and Lowen... didn't notice.

Well, anyway, the group figured out that the bandits were total sissies. The group did a few experiments. Dorcas' experiment was simple but scared them nevertheless.

"Boo."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Marcus used a commanding tone.

"Halt! In the name of-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Eli" took a slightly more passive approach.

"Surrender or-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Lowen... was facing the... opposite way but... well... he brandished a lance and waved it at Marcus, nearly impaling him. (Darn! Missed again!) The bandits didn't scream at that but they were too scared to make a move on him, even though he was wielding a lance and didn't notice them.

At the end, they ran away. Rebecca had sneaked behind them and prepared to shoot but she sneezed a particularly loud sneeze. And so they screamed...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

... Again.

The last one left was some guy named Groz something. Well, at least he hadn't run away. He even let "Eli's" Elite make a plan.

"This is a highly dangerous foe-"

Groz what-sa-mutz-it picked his nose and scratched his rear at the same time. Wow. I never knew somebody could look like an idiot in two different ways at the same time.

"-and we can't afford any mistakes! First, I will attack from the right, Lowen will attack from the left, then Dorcas will attack from the front, and-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGH!" howled Bartre. "BIG WORDS!"

I wonder how many people know how it feels to be pummeled by a steamroller... Well, Groz I-forgot-the-rest-of-his-name does. Bartre went berserk and punched him full in the face and knocked him out. It seemed that Lowen had accidentally mistook Groz I-still-don't-remember-the-rest-of-his-name for a giant rock. Bartre was stupid enough to believe him and punched that "rock" so that his head would feel better. He's got a very, very creative way of relieving his mind.

Well, anyway, Groz I-give-up-on-trying-to-remember-the-rest-of-his-name ended up running away while screaming like the bandits before him. Since many people probably forgot about how the other bandits had screamed, I'm here to refresh everybody's memory.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

". . ." Marcus stared. "I still think that my plan would've been better."

Dorcas and Bartre conversed with the rest of "Eli's" Elite. Lord Elbert had gone missing along with his best knights and "Eli" was going to try and find him. After a talk with the nearby village's magistrate, who was Rebecca's father, they went on their way. This is how their conversation went.

The village magistrate- ... nah, let's call him Joe instead. I don't wanna keep on calling him "the village magistrate". So anyway, Joe thanked our favourite noble. "Thank you! Our town crier, the knight of the odd odor, (A/N I think that's what people who ran around the streets and announced things were called.) had told our whole village that 'Lady Eli' had come to save us from the bandits!"

Then the group noticed the crowd of people. Many of them were holding banners that said things such as "Long live 'Lady Eli'!". One of the more disturbing ones was the one that said, "MARRY ME, 'LADY ELI!'". A drooling man with a giant potbelly and missing teeth held that one... yeah...

"... " "Eli" looked pissed. "I'M NOT A GIRL! SEE MY SMALL CHEST?!"

Joe avoided looking there. "But milady, it would be rude to invade a lady's privacy, especially one as elegant and beautiful as you."

"Eli" got the mad twitchy eye. Marcus made a cough that suspiciously sounded a whole lot like a snicker or chuckle. Lowen began getting weird ideas, seeing as how he is practically blind and all. Rebecca blushed in embarasssment because she was ashamed that her father would think such things about their liege. Dorcas was wondering how long he would have to stay with these people and if he would catch anything from them. Bartre was trying to find the "giant running rock" so that he could punch it some more.

"Eli's" Elite started on their way to Santuraz. "Eli" stomped off in a huff to get some guy named Mark. Dorcas still remembered him, the tactician who absolutely sucked but still managed to win a battle against an usurper. Bartre had no clue who he was so he decided to ask around. And unfortunately for Dorcas, Bartre decided to turn to him.

"Hey Dorcas!" he said. "Is Mark a giant running rock?"

Dorcas stared. Now HE was getting ideas. Bartre then asked everyone else the same question but all them chose to remain silent like Dorcas. Good choice.

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And so, Eli's Elite rides into the horizon (not literally) and faces each new day as it arises to fullfil its purpose; to let me make a stupid parody of it. Anyhow, what challenges will stall our heroes as they ride forth as the products of my twisted mind?

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**----- End of Chapter **

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Bartre: Hard words make his head hurt so he punches rocks to make his head feel better. Also, he'll believe anything that Lowen says. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

Dorcas: He's the poor guy who got stuck with Bartre for quite a while. His wife is sick but she doesn't seem like it. Why? She knocked out Bartre with a small broom.

Marcus: A darn exp hog who is the knight that protects "Eli". He's totally useless compared to the flirtatious Sain, the righteous Kent, and even the blind-as-a-bat Lowen.

Lowen: The guy who needs a haircut. Nobody dares to approach him in the fear that he might accidentally poke their eye out or mistake them for a giant rock in Bartre's presence.

Rebecca: She's cheerful, TOO cheerful! ... Anyway, she's a pretty skilled archer. Most of the time, she overshadows Wil. Poor guy. He has tough competition.

"Eli": He's the leader of the bunch. He's uglier than Nemesis, a guy who's one of the big daddies of Resident Evil, which is a game where you beat up rotting zombies... yeah... I wonder when I'll stop making fun of her-um, his name...

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I should stop doing spontaneous stories and plan them first... Well, please R&R!


	2. Black Eye Shadow

Thank you for your reviews! Now, if you want to, you can skip these notes and go straight to the story. Enjoy!

Note1: I should have mentioned this in the first chapter. Pretty much every character is probably going to get bashed at one point or another in this fanfic. I'll admit that I'm bashing some of the characters more than others but I can't really help that though I will tell you that I actually feel pretty neutral about all the characters even though it may not seem like it. I just find that some characters are easier to bash than others. Sorry!

Note2: Originally, I wanted this whole story to have an extremely minimal amount of swearing. But that's not the case for this chapter. So beware the verbal fight in this chappie. BUT, even if an insane amount of swearing bugs you, don't worry too much, I censored most of it.

Note4: Everything is supposed to be good-natured. Sorry if something insults you, your friend or family, your religion, your hobbies, or something else. Whatever it is, I didn't mean it in a way to insult anybody.

Note5: I actually do know Groznyi's name. It was just a lame attempt at amusing some people. Didn't really work well, I could see. But thank you for telling me anyway, whoever told me. And I guess that I'll try to fit in supports. Thank you to the person who suggested that too.

Sorry for all these notes. I separated them so that they would hopefully be easier on your eyes.

Disclaimer: I own Fire Emblem. Well, actually, I don't. If I did then Fire Emblem would be a horrible game. But it's not. And so I disclaim any ownership of Fire Emblem...

Quote: "When reading somebody's name tag, make sure that you're not half blind. If you are, then the results could be... disastrous."

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**----- Black Eye Shadow**

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Santuraz Castle -----

Lord Helman was sitting in a chair when Ephidel appeared before him. The Lord stared at the morph. Sure, sure, it's rude and all but he couldn't help it. Ephidel had appeared in a poof of pink, glittery smoke with party confetti all around him. He paused as if waiting for applause. A few crickets found this a highly appropriate moment to chirp.

Then Ephidel snorted and said, "Tough crowd, not one bit of clapping! Well, anyway, now I'm gonna talk with you and you'll say that you don't know what to say to the pansy about his dad and then I'll say that I'll chase him away when my true intentions are to actually kill him."

Lord Helman yawned and said, "Actually I don't really care much about that sissy."

"... You owe him money don't you?"

"It's all about the money these days."

"Shut up."

Back at wherever "Eli's" Elite is-----

After a while, Mark finally arrived. "Eli" was still grumpy from being mistaken for a "beautiful and elegant girl". Bartre, for some odd reason, thought that Mark was a giant rock and, on many occasions, had tried to punch him. Why? Perhaps it was because Lowen had mistaken him for a giant rock for a few times. But I don't know why Bartre would think that Mark was a giant rock just from the mistakes that Lowen had made. After all, Lowen had only mistaken Mark for a rock for about 37 times.

"Lowen!" cried out the tactician. "I'm not a rock!"

Well, 38 times now, in just one hour too. Must be a world record.

"Eli's" Elite had just reached some spot southeast of Santuraz. At least I think so. "Eli's" Elite was walking toward Santuraz because Joe had told them to. Rebecca was still beet red after the incident with Joe and "Eli", the beautiful and elegant "young lady". Dorcas considered either committing suicide or sneaking away from Bartre and the rest of them. Marcus was reprimanding Bartre not to punch Mark but that only made Bartre want to punch a "rock" even more because of the hard words.

"Bartre!" called out the useless paladin to the stupid fighter. "I advise you not to-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! HARD WOOOOOORDS! HARD WOOOOOOOOOORDS!"

And that was how Marcus got a black eye.

"Ooooo," cooed Rebecca, "I never knew you had a thing for make-up! Nice black eye shadow! It suits you well!"

Now it was "Eli's" turn to "cough". Lowen got odd ideas about his fellow senior knight of Pherae. Bartre wanted to punch him more and Dorcas was ordered to restrain him. Or at least try to. And so, Dorcas got some "black eye shadow" too. Dorcas and Marcus refused to touch Bartre with ten-foot poles because he was "an uncivilized brute", according to Marcus, and "a total idiot", the statement of Dorcas. "Eli" was next to restrain Bartre. Or at least try to. At the end of his shift, he ended up with TWO black eyes.

"Oh wow!" squealed Rebecca in delight. "He might not look it, but Bartre is REALLY good at applying make-up! My turn's next!"

Bartre was now "an uncivilized brute", "a total idiot", and "an uncivilized, idiotic brute", courtesy of "Eli". "Eli" is so original at insults, don't you think?

All of a sudden, a guy named Zagan pops up out of a bush and challenges "Eli's" Elite. How did they know his name before he told them? Simple, it was on the nametag that he wore on a string around his neck, like one of those kindergarten nametags.

"RAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!" roared Zagan. "I'M THE STRONG ZA- ZA- za- za- za..."

He looked at his nametag. Apparently, it hadn't been made for other people, but himself. Zagan forgot what the tag said and his reading skills weren't very good so he spent quite a while examining his tag.

"Poopoo?" said Lowen good-naturedly, reading the nametag for the stupid guy. That wasn't Lowen's intention. But what the heck.

"Er, yeah," said a puzzled "Poopoo", "what he said."

Most of "Eli's" Elite laughed. Marcus nearly split in half. Dorcas snorted loudly even though he had a straight face. "Eli" was rolling on the ground while clutching his stomach. Rebecca was also on the ground but she was kicking her legs in the air. Then she kicked Lowen because she thought that he had looked up her skirt before she remembered that he was half- blind and that it wouldn't have really mattered.

"SO?! WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY NAME?!!" howled "Poopoo" in anger. "AT LEAST I'M NOT THE ONE WEARING EYE SHADOW!"

Well, "Poopoo" did have a point. At this moment, Lowen received the call of nature.

"Mi-mi-milord?" squeaked Lowen.

"Y-yes?" replied "Eli", wiping a tear from his eye.

"I-I need to... to...'go'."

"Eli", finally regaining his wits about him, gave him permission to "go".

"'Poopoo'!" called out Marcus to the bandit. "Might we wait until my fellow knight returns so that we may fight then?"

"Why?" asked "Poopoo".

"He needs EXP."

"Uh, okay."

And so, everybody took some time off until Lowen answered the call of nature. It took a while since Lowen couldn't find the bushes and Rebecca screamed at him every time he accidentally tried to take his pants off in the open, which wasn't too much since he had only tried to do that about...26 times.

Poopoo and his buddies gathered into a circle. Goon1 said, "Hey boss, why are you letting a guy do his biz and then fight? Why don't we just fight now so that we don't have to fight one more person?"

All the goons' eyes turned to Poopoo. Poopoo said, with a confident smirk, "If someone needs EXP then that means they're weak. If he's weak that means that we can beat him. And when we beat him, we can get EXP. We can't get EXP out of battle so we're waiting for him."

This supposedly smart strategy was met with other confident smirks. However, Goon2 said, "But we can't gain EXP. That's the way it is in this game." And that was met with looks of aversion.

Well, it was too late now.

Lowen had just now finally finished his business. However, it didn't take long for everybody to notice that he was in pain. They could tell by the way he held the spot between his legs.

"I accidentally used poison ivy for toilet paper," squeaked the highly unfortunate knight.

The men shuddered at the thought and unfortunate Rebecca had to keep her mind from straying to unwanted mental images. Poor, poor Lowen, getting poison ivy in a spot such as that! He's not going to be able to sit on his horse properly for quite a while! Every guy should pity him, nobody wants that to happen. Girls shouldn't think about it too much, because if they do... ew. For the innocent ones, "Ignorance is bliss". Bartre, of course, was in the state of supposed bliss since he didn't know what the heck was going on. And the hard words made his head hurt sooooo.....

He punched Lowen in the spot where the sun doesn't shine...I'm really bashing Lowen a lot, aren't I?

Lowen let out a loud moan and fell to his knees. Thanks to that, Rebecca screamed and fainted. So now, "Eli's" Elite had to wait for an archer and a cavalier to regain their wits. The bandits tried to attack them now but since the Mark hadn't started the battle, they were mysteriously unable to move. You just have to love a game's way of stopping plot holes.

Mark estimated that it would be a good two hours before they got up. And so, he suggested a card game to pass the time.

"One joker," said Marcus as he laid down a single card facedown.

"Marcus," said "Eli" impatiently, "for one thing, there is no joker in Cheat. For another, a joker does not go with a five. Do you really know how to play Cheat?"

"Hmpf!" snorted Marcus indignantly. "Hey, at least I had really put down a joker! I didn't cheat even though that would have been really easy. Give me something for that!"

"Eli" snapped.

". . . YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DAMN FREAKIN' CHEAT YOU OLD (censored) FART!"

"DON'T TAKE THAT (censored) TONE WITH ME YOU SON OF A (censored)"

"HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY MOTHER, YOU SENILE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING (censored) EXP HOG!"

"I DON'T GIVE A (censored) DAMN, YOU PANSY!"

Meanwhile, the rest of "Eli's" Elite, save Lowen and Rebecca, enthusiastically pulled chairs up to the scene of the fight between a pansy and a senile good-for-nothing EXP hog. They even brought popcorn! Air-popped too, so that they could have thin waistlines. How else do the people in FE stay fit enough to fight? I know, Merlinus is a bit chubby but he doesn't fight. The bandits got interested too. And so, the whole company, bandits and all, except the two people who started it all, watched the fight. Heck, even the bandits got some popcorn. This went on for the remainder of the two hours. Then an egg timer went off, marking the end of the two hours. When the pansy and the good-for-nothing EXP hog realized it, World War III ended thus. The rest of the people groaned. You can't blame 'em.

Marcus spoke to "Eli" with a smile so wide that it made him pull a muscle in his jaw. "Let's forget that this had happened, milord."

"Eli" made an equally painful-looking smile and said, "Yes, Sir Marcus, let's let bygones be bygones."

Then they shook hands. The weird thing was, "Eli" cracked Marcus' metal glove and Marcus made wrinkles in "Eli's" glove. Looks like they're back to being good buddies.

Lowen and Rebecca got up only to see the disappointed faces of the rest of the gang. The bandits were too depressed to remember that Lowen and Rebecca were still equipped with weapons. Rebecca took this chance to shoot one of the bandits. Lowen tried to stab a bandit but ended up narrowly missing Marcus' head. Rats. Lowen missed again. But anyway, another lord was storming into the spot where "Eli's" Elite fought the bandits.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!" he roared.

"Lord Hector, you are not Godzilla-" stated Oswin.

Hector opened his mouth to speak, only to be interrupted by Oswin.

"-or King Kong."

How they knew about a couple of move classics is beyond me. Well, that left Hector pondering about another giant monster type of thing to try to stump Oswin with. Oswin beat him to it.

"And you are most certainly not the Loch Ness monster, Yeti, Sasquatch, Bigfoot, or any other type of big monster type of thing. You, milord, are the younger brother of the Marquess of Ostia. Act like it! 'One' more thing- "

Before Oswin had started his speech there had been a good fifteen healthy bandits in the area. Now there was only the half-dead "Poopoo".

Mark sat down on a log and let out a breath of relief. "Phew! This sure is hard work!"

"WHAT?!" yelled "Eli". "You haven't fought and you didn't give any tactical advice! We fought on our own judgment!"

"I'm here so that the stupid people won't do anything stupid," explained the panting Mark.

"Then stop him!" cried out "Eli" as he pointed to Bartre. Bartre was now whacking his head on a tree. Nobody knows why since nobody had said much to him.

"You nuts?!" shouted Mark. "I'm a tactician! I'm supposed to give tactical advice, not stop stupid people from doing stupid things!" Mark sure knows how to get a clear point across.

"Eli" got the twitchy eye again. However, he soon got his unexpected yet vengeance when Lowen pointed toward Mark and said, "What a nice sturdy tree that has an uncanny feeling of a giant rock!"

And that was how Mark got some "eye shadow". Now Bartre was a "an uncivilized brute, "a total idiot", "an uncivilized idiotic brute", and the latest description, "a totally uncivilized idiot", heard from the lips of the angry Mark. Tacticians are so very creative. Wouldn't you agree?

"Oh my gosh!" said Rebecca in awe. "I just can't wait for my turn!"

"-and that I why I advise against sticking a fiddle in the fridge ever again!"

When Oswin's interesting yet short speech finally came to the unwanted ending, Hector woke up from his slumber due to "Poopoo's" racket and flung his hand axe at Poopoo, which deliberately killed him.

"Oh... aurrr... This-" began "Poopoo's" death speech.

"JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!" interrupted Hector. "CAN'T A MAN GET A DECENT REST AROUND HERE?!"

And with that said, he went back to sleep as "Poopoo" died. Poor guy, didn't even die with a half-decent name.

A thief and a cleric popped up out of nowhere just as Hector began to go back to sleep. The cleric was stamping toward Oswin with the thief clinging on to her leg.

"MATTHEW!" yelled the cleric. "YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING UP MY DRESS!"

"Who would want to look up YOUR dress?" answered back Matthew. "Serra, I'm only doing this on behalf of the young master's orders."

"STILL! YOU BETTER NOT LOOK!"

"I'm not and I won't!"

"THEN LET GO!"

And so the two bickered back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth and so on. "Eli's" Elite watched in amazement as a lord slept through a knight's thoroughly interesting speech and a couple of people arguing as though they were married. Because of the hard words in the arguments between the happily married couple and the thoroughly interesting speech, Bartre's head started to hurt. You know what that means. Who was the "giant rock" this time, you ask?

Hector.

Strong as he may be, he was asleep. And Bartre was REALLY confused and his head REALLY hurt, which isn't a very good combination at all. Why, you ask? Hector was blown off his feet and... he's rising... he's still rising... he's... rising... and he's reached the peak of his flight... he's coming down... still coming down... still coming down... and he's... still coming down... and he just landed on MATTHEW and SERRA!

Now, before Serra starts screeching and makes everybody deaf, let's go to the Santuraz Castle.

Santuraz Castle -----

Once again, Lord Helman is sitting in a chair and Ephidel appears in a bunch of glittery pink smoke again. The crickets chirped again. This time, he sighs. "Darn crickets!" he complains. "Is a bit of appreciation too much to ask for?!"

"Not if you failed to get rid of my debt," grumbled Lord Helman.

"Shut up. You are of no more use since you have failed to cooperate with us. Now die!"

A flashy lightshow is now aimed for Lord Helman. He gasps. "Oh no!" he wails. "It's the glitter of death!"

"Eh?" said a confused Ephidel. He looks at his hand. It's covered in the stuff that he uses for smoke. "Oops," says a nervously laughing Ephidel, "I guess I forgot my magic tomes... I guess I'll have to use my glitter as my instrument of doom... "

"... Glitter is an instrument of doom?"

"Yup! It's nice-looking too!"

"... ... ... ... ... Just kill me."

"OK!"

And with those words spoken, a blinding pink light was emitted from within Castle Santuraz. A muffled scream was heard and then... there was silence. This marked the man who met his unbearably gruesome end by the means of murder by... glitter...

"Rats!" said a voice from within the castle. "Maybe I should've allowed him some moments to applaud before I killed him..."

-----

And so, Eli's Elite continues to move search for truth as they are joined by Eli's best friend and tormentor along with Serra, Matthew, Oswin, and Oswin's lectures.

**-----**

**----- End of Chapter**

-----

Hector: He's got blue hair and he's a Ostian lord. Oswin likes to lecture him. A lot.

Oswin: He's a knight who's capable of interesting conversations. It's just that he doesn't like to converse that way. Really.

Serra: She's got pink hair and she's a bit air-headed. But that's what makes her funny.

Matthew: He's a spy and thief to Hector and his brother. He has odd ideas of treasures.

-----

I think that my first chapter had less meaningless stuff. But anyway, please review!

Nils: DON'T! IT'S A TRAP! IF YOU DO, SHE'LL CONTINUE THIS HORRIBLY STUPID FANFIC!!!

Shut up.


	3. Weapons of Mass Destruction

I've noticed that my second chapter ABSOLUTELY SUCKED! Sorry. Anyway, thank you for the reviews in the second chapter. Please enjoy this chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fire Emblem and I'm not paid to write this. If I were, I wouldn't be broke.

Note: The rating has gone up because there is more adult-themed stuff than I planned. And the idea of "dirty magazines" isn't exactly the best thing to expose to preteens. Sorry for any and all inconvenience.

Quote: "Judge a man not by the length of his hair but by how he uses it."

-----

**----- Weapons of Mass Destruction**

-----

Serra was now screeching everybody's ears off. Poor Matthew was so close to her that he could not avoid the sound of her voice. He got a direct blast of her wailing, which isn't a good thing.

"AS SOON AS I SAW YOU COMING, MATTHEW HAD TRIED TO STOP ME FROM GETTING SQUASHED! HE ACTUALLY CARED WHICH MEANS YOU PUT ME IN A LOT OF DANGER!" screeched Serra. Too bad I can't work out html codes. Capital letters aren't enough to show the volume of her voice.

Oswin had trouble moving since Serra's voice kept on making his armor vibrate. Matthew had tried to escape. He stopped, dropped and rolled.

THUMP!

Too bad he rolled into a tree.

Well, Hector was now talking with "Eli" in a spot far away from Serra.

"Hi Eli," greeted Hector. Oswin managed to get over to Hector's side and nudge him. Hector hesitantly said the rest of his name. "Wood."

"Well met, Hector," said "Eli" tensely. He hated being called "Eli" and he sensed Hector's reluctance. "So, who are your buddies over there?"

"The thief is Matthew," explained Hector gruffly as he pointed him out to "Eli". "He collects... certain objects..."

"Eli" raised an eyebrow. "Certain objects?"

"... Yeah... The noisy one is Serra. I don't think I have to point her out. And you already know Oswin. He's a nice, dignified guy." Some authors like to prove things wrong. I'm one of them.

Oswin just tripped, due to Serra's screaming, and made a bruise on his knee. Then his eyes got all watery. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" cried out the "dignified" guy. "THAT CLERIC'S MEAN! SHE MADE ME TRIP! SOMEONE TELL MY MUMMY!"

After that, Oswin regained his common sense and picked himself up. He did an "ahem" sound and started blushing. "Eli" stared at Hector. "Spending too much time with pink-haired clerics can cause stress build-up and that can cause breakdowns and that is why Ostia has developed the 'stop, drop, and roll' safety procedure for all," said Hector.

"What about Matthew's sanity?" asked "Eli".

"HAH!" the said thief cried out. "I HAVE JUST STOLEN THE ULTIMATE WEAPON! NO ONE SHALL STOP ME! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!"

Everyone stared. And stared. And stared. Then they stared some more. And then some. And then they stared even more. Wow. Mothers all around the world would've screamed their heads off at that.

Matthew had stolen a chamber pot from one of the nearby outhouses. Luckily, it had been emptied a short while ago. But it still stunk. A lot.

Eleanora would be ashamed of him. "Eli" had stared the longest. "... Never mind... Forget I asked..."

"Matthew," said Hector warningly, "we've been through this. Put the chamber pot back. People need it to do their biz."

Lowen was a bit shocked. "There was... an... outhouse... around here?"

"Uh, yeah, a very nice one with lots of nice, soft toilet paper that has no resemblance whatsoever to poison ivy," said Hector. Then he noticed something odd. "... Why do you look like you're in pain?"

When he got no response from him, Hector asked Matthew once again to put the chamber pot back into the outhouse.

SMASH!

... Too late. Bartre bashed it into smithereens. Nobody would be able to get much of any privacy in there anymore. Hector sighed. "Fine. You can keep it. But it's getting washed!"

Matthew cheered with glee at being able to keep his chamber pot. After he cheerfully bounded away in joy, "Eli" said, "Hey Hector-"

"DUN TOUCH ME I HAVE A THEIF WITH A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION, I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE HIM, HE CAN BRING DOWN A WHOLE ARMY, I'M THE LORD OF DUMPLINGS AND MEAT BALLS AND SPAGHETTI!" he shouted. Then he realized his mistake. "Er, go on."

That was it. Dorcas was getting outta there, one way or another. He started to tip-toe out of there but then, "Dorcas! You've the honorable job of cleaning the chamber pot!" "Eli" had just sealed the decision Dorcas had made. Not that he hadn't considered it before.

And so, on the way to Santuraz, Dorcas filled the chamber pot with water and scrubbed while mumbling about "stupid pansies and total idiots". Everybody stayed away from him and the stench of poop, except Bartre.

Lowen thought that Dorcas was holding a kettle of soup so he voiced his thoughts and Bartre believed him. He then waited for Dorcas to finish the soup so that he could... drink it.

"HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I'M THE MIGHTY BOIES!" Someone jumped out of the bushes while making a war cry. Ya know, "Eli's" Elite might have considered taking the guy seriously if not for a few things.

His war cry.

He was wearing Chinese shoes.

He was a KNIGHT wearing Chinese shoes.

He was kicking at the air in front of himself.

"So Castle Santuraz is over there?" Rebecca asked the lords. The nodded. The group walked past the nutcase as if he were thin air.

"H-HEY!" Boies yelled. "COME FACE ME!" When he was once again ignored, he made an extra hard kick at the air. You know, knights are really odd. This one was particularly odd. No one would have ever thought that knights could kick their own shoes off. This guy did. And his shoe just so happened to bounce off Bartre's head and into Matthew's chamber pot.

He rejoiced again, have obtained another "invaluable weapon of mass destruction." Dorcas grumbled, having been splashed in the face when the shoe decided to take a dive. Lowen then mistook Boies for a rock and Bartre... was knocked off his feet by the flying shoe... Then he got up and did the weirdest thing he could have ever done.

"8573593 plus 5455345 equals 14028938!"

He did a mathematical question. "Eli's" Elite once again disobeyed their mothers and stared. All their eyes were as large as dinner plates. Nobody could tell about Lowen because of his hair. But that wasn't the only problem. Lowen was facing the wrong way.

While "Eli's" Elite stared with eyes the sizes of plates, Boies walked to the gate of Santuraz Castle while mumbling something about "kids these days not recognizing talent when they see it". He certainly was talented, what with the shoe thing and all. He issued an order and the people at somewhere prepared for battle.

A certain Sacaen who went by the name of Guy was just standing around with his sword. Then some other guy approached him from behind. "Hey! You! The new dog!"

Guy whipped his head around.

WHAP!

However, he only succeeded in hitting the other guy with his braid due to the force he used to turn his head. Then that guy... that's too confusing. Then that MAN rubbed his face and said, "Look behind yourself, over those mountains."

Guy did as he was told but the man regretted it.

WHAP!

He got slapped across the face with his braid. "Dear God," the man mumbled, "his braid slaps harder than my wife!"

"Huh?" Guy whipped his head back to face the man again.

WHAP!

"Did you say something?"

The man put on a forced smile. "No, no, nothing at all!" he said. Guy looked at him with a puzzled face. Then he turned around.

WHAP!

And whipped the man again. The man decided to get out of there before the killer braid hit him again.

Remember how Bartre got smart? Well, now he was doing algebra. "If n plus 463 equals 74 multiplied by 10 minus 234, then 74 times 10 equals 740 which if minuses 234, then equals 506, then that would make n equal 43, since 506 minus 463 equals 43."

"Eli's" Elite didn't get it, though Mark mumbled something about "the horror of real world math" and "forgetting to do algebra homework." Then he thought of something. He suspiciously asked Bartre, "How did you go from I-can't-tell-a-tactician-from-a-rock-or-tree person to a algebra person?"

Bartre shrugged. "I think it was the shoe. It knocked me out because I'm more used to harder whacks to my head. Everybody whacked me too hard. Now I react to gentle whacks." Then Dorcas grabbed Bartre by the collar.

He yelled, "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH BARTRE?! Well, not that I care. You can keep him, actually."

"HEY!" a restless bandit was yelling at our group of "dignified" heroes. "LET'S START FIGHTING ALREADY! IF I DON'T DIE BY 2 O' CLOCK AND GET THE MONEY FOR MY LIFE INSURANCE, MY CUTE LITTLE WITTLE BUNNY WABBIT WILL HAVE NOTHING TO EAT!"

His fellow bandits stared at him in disbelief.

The bandit looked around and saw that nearly every pair of eyes was looking at him, the exception being Lowen. "... What? Don't tell me that none of you guys have any cutesy wutesy pets!

And "Eli's" Elite looked at the army of enemy soldiers who were littered all around the area. Matthew saw a familiar face and decided that he would have some "fun". But he'll enjoy this "fun" carefully. Serra then saw the most, horrible, despicable, terrifying, and savage thing ever. She pointed at a certain bandit and screamed, "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ST. ELIMINE?! THAT OUTFIT WAS, LIKE, SOOOOO FIVE MINUTES AGO!"

Poor bandit. His eyes started to get watery and he started crying in a very unmanly way. His buddy bandit comforted him and said, "Don't worry Bob, she didn't mean it. You're still pretty." Then they hugged and cried on each other's shoulders.

Then the rest of the bandits held up signs like, "Bandits have feelings too", "Don't be mean to us, we're only doing our jobs", "We don't get paid enough to die, though", "Bob's a pretty guy!", and "If you stab us, we bleed too". Then all the bandits threw the signs down and found a buddy bandit to cry with and hug.

"Eli's" Elite blinked. Who knew bandits could be so emotional? Marcus found the scene a tad bit disturbing so he was relieved when Mark told him to got to the northwest part of the area. There he found a village. He spoke with one of the residents.

"There was a merchant running through here," said the resident, "and he seemed to be in a hurry. He dropped something. But I'm not sure if you want to look at it."

Marcus took the item and thanked the resident. Then he looked at it. It was labeled "Dirty Magazine". 'What's that?' he thought. 'Must be another one of them terms that young people these days made up.'

He looked at the fine print underneath the word. "Use to enlarge the size of your eyes so that your sight will be improved. Warning: Use sparingly. There is a risk of permanent mental damage." Hm, he thought, this might come in handy. And so he safely stored the dirty magazine away and made his way to the castle.

Meanwhile, the rest of "Eli's" Elite went through the crowd of sobbing bandits. Matthew managed to get close to Guy. But he avoided getting too close. He approached Guy from behind. "Hey!"

Guy whipped around. His braid swung around again. Luckily, Matthew had met him before and knew how to deal with his hair. He quickly dodged. "Hey!" he cheerfully said. "Remember this handsome face?"

Guy blinked. He just stared and said, "What handsome face? All I see is your face."

Matthew looked hurt. He sighed. Then he looked cheery again, though there was a glint in his eyes. "Want to join 'Eli's' Elite?"

Guy scratched his chin. Then he shook his head. "Sorry but I don't like working for women. It's not like I have anything against them but I just don't like to."

Matthew nearly burst from laughter but he managed to say, "B-but you o-owe me."

"WHAT?!" came the startled reply. Guy didn't really like owing people. It went against the honor of Sacaens.

"Remember? The dirty magazines?" smirked Matthew. "I gave you four. That means four favors. You even said that you owed me with your life. Sacaens don't lie, do they?"

Guy blushed. "Th-that's not fair! I was feeling soooo horny!" But Matthew and his remarks countered all his further perverted protests. And so, Guy joined "Eli's" Elite while grumbling about working for "women". During that time, Bartre was going around, asking people math questions. They were mostly about algebra. The rest of the group had been bored to death about all that algebra stuff. Can you blame them? Finally, Bartre came to Guy. He approached him from behind... You already know where this is going, don't you?

"Hey! What's 7 times 2 minus 4 equals n plus 3?"

WHACK!

"Wha?" Guy had whipped his head around to face Bartre.

THUMP!

Bartre had just gotten knocked out again. Then he got up. And then he bashed the nearby tree. Matthew was suspicious and Guy was still trying to figure out what Bartre had said. Matthew then asked, "Are you feeling okay?"

Bartre blinked and said, "Uh, yeah. But I am a little hungry... Hey Dorcas! Did you finish making the soup yet?" Well, at least he was back to normal... Or as normal as he was before. After the rest of the army made their way through a horde of sniveling bandits, they confronted Boies.

"I must commend you," said Boies, "for making your way through my army of well-trained bandits. They were the toughest that I had to offer." Nobody said anything about that.

"Now, I shall succeed where my brave sell-swords had failed!" He started to kick at the air with his remaining shoe. But then he slipped and his shoe flew off his foot and landed in Matthew's arms. He squealed in joy and hugged his latest "weapon of mass destruction" as Guy thought, how did I owe this guy a favour?!

Well, it's four, actually. But let's not get into that. Rebecca arrived at the scene. She saw Boies and decided to use her arrow to poke him. (WARNING: Meaningless writing ahead.)

Poke. Boies twitched a bit.

Poke. Twitch.

Poke poke. Twitch.

Poke poke poke. Twitch.

Poke poke poke poke poke. Twitch.

Oswin joined in with his lance.

Poke. Twitch. Jab. Twitch.

Poke poke. Twitch. Jab jab. Twitch.

Poke poke poke. Twitch. Jab jab jab. Twitch.

Poke poke poke poke poke. Twitch. Jab jab jab jab jab. Twitch.

As they continued to test Boies' consciousness, "Eli" and Hector went into the caste.

They went to the room where Lord Helman's body was. "Eli" made a face and said in repulsion, "EWWW! What is it with all this glitter? If I get ANY on me, people will think that I'm a girl!"

Hector got shifty eyes and looked away.

After a while, the finally found the throne room where Lord Helman was. The two lords looked about with their weapons poised in a position to defend themselves should there be an ambush.

Then, Lord Helman's body was seen. "Eli" despairingly lamented, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hector patted his friend on his back in an attempt to lessen his pain, but to no avail. "Eli" cried out once again. "HE OWED ME 50 GOLD!"

Hector blinked. Then he found a piece of paper with "Lord Helman's To Do List" written across the top. As his buddy sobbed over the large debt of 50 gold gone down the drain, Hector read the writing on the piece of paper. It said:

Admire the dancing ladies in the nearby town square and attempt to look under their dresses. Check.

Talk to Lord Darin about Lord Elbert. Check.

Arrange for Lord Darin pay debt of 50 gold to Lord "Eli". Check.

Pay Boies' army of well-trained bandits.

Use chamber pots as weapons of mass destruction.

Practice the stop, drop, and roll rule in the case of a Code Pink emergency.

Feed cute little wittle bunny wabbit.

Buy dirty magazines from the merchant in the northwest village.

Do the hula while naked in front of the mirror. Check.

... Okaaaaaaaaaaaay. Hector did NOT need to know that Lord Helman did the hula in front of his mirror while he was naked. He shook off the graphic images he started to see in his head and said to "Eli", who was still sobbing, "Lord Darin may have some info on your old man."

"Eli" continued to sob and did not appear to have noticed Hector. Hector then sighed and said, "... And he can pay Lord Helman's debt."

"Eli" immediately perked up and said, "So what are we waiting for?! Let's go!"

"Eli" walked out of the castle, determined to reach Lord Darin's Place and get paid his rightful 50 gold. Then Guy spotted him. Guy stared at "Eli's" chest skeptically. Then "Eli", ignoring Guy as best he could, asked, "Are you a girl?"

What an odd question, thought Guy. "No."

"Eli" stared at Guy accusingly. "Sacaens don't lie."

Although he was caught off guard, Guy quickly caught onto what "Eli" was saying. "This braid does not mean that I'm a girl. Lot's of male Sacaens have long hair!"

"Sacaens don't lie."

"But I'm not lying!"

"Sacaens don't lie."

Guy exploded. "GRRR! FINE! BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT! I DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO WORK FOR LADIES ANYWAY!"

Guy stormed off. "Eli" smirked as if he had won something. Then Guy's last sentence began to sink in. "Eli" yanked at his hair in frustration. "DAMN IT! I'M NOT A GIRL! STUPID GLITTER!"

For an unrelated event, Dorcas picked up the chamber pot. Strangely, enough, it was extremely light. Dorcas peered inside. All the water was gone. How odd, thought Dorcas. Then Bartre strolled along while wiping his mouth on the back of his arm. "Thanks for the soup, Dorcas!" said Bartre. "It was really tasty!"

For another unrelated event, Rebecca and Oswin were still focused on poking and jabbing Boies unconscious body. But he no longer twitched. What a way to be defeated.

-----

With a dangerous swordsman who was dangerous simply because of his hair, Eli's Elite moves toward one united goal... which I don't know what it is...

**-----**

**----- End of Chapter**

-----

Guy: He's dangerous with his sword. He's even more dangerous with his braid. 'Nuff said.

-----

So what do you think? I apologize for any and all mental problems caused by this chapter, especially if it concerns the part with Lord Helman doing the hula. I have no idea from which nasty corner of my sick mind that that one came from. If you are still sane after reading this horribly stupid fanfic, please review. I would greatly appreciate it.


	4. Toilet Plungers

Yes, I'm still alive. Whether that's good or bad news, you decide. Anyways, thanks to those who reviewed! I'm happy!

Nils: It's bad news, hands down.

Shut up.

Note1: I edited the rest of the story, added a few more things and cut out Bartre as the main character. It was too much of a hassle to fit Bartre in as a main character. Sorry!

Note2: I have just realized how awfully stupid this whole fic is. I have looked over the current content of my story and some of the things aren't funny at all. I've got lots of ideas but most of them are for the chapters to come. Most of the early chapters are completely spontaneous. So I'm sorry for the crappiness of the chapters. And I skipped the side chapter because my idea for it SUCKED and I couldn't think of anything else.

Note3: Uh, does anyone think that the "Eli" thing is getting old? Well, don't worry; someone else will take the place of the "male being mistaken for a female." Take a wild, wild guess.

Nils: If Umbrielle did own FE, it would have been a stupid game. Since it clearly isn't, shedon't own FE.

Quote: "If you've got a name that sounds funny, chances are, somebody's BOUND to make fun of you. Really."

**-----**

**----- Toilet Plungers**

-----

Eliwood's Elite was now walking towards... somewhere. They got lost. Apparently, there was a word puzzle on the back of the porn magazine that Marcus had found. It was one of those things that were made so that people could kill time.

Eliwood had thought that it was a map so they were using it to try to get to Lord Darin's castle. He refused to let others take it. It never really occurred to him to open it, but that's a good thing. Others argued and said that the crossword puzzle wasn't actually a map. Well, they were right about that at least.

"It's a 'fashion design', duh!" exclaimed Serra (loudly).

"I know! It's a 'treasure map that leads to weapons of mass destruction'!" declared Matthew.

"You're all stupid, it's a 'cooking recipe'!" stated Rebecca.

"No, no, no! It's a 'diagram about cleaning armour'!" said Oswin.

"It is a diagram, but it's one that 'teaches swordplay'!" said Guy.

"... I don't care as long as it's useful," grumbled Hector. Marcus nodded his head in agreement.

"..." That would be Dorcas.

"IT'S 'FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD'!" said a drooling Bartre.

"Uh, could somebody tell me what it looks like?" asked Lowen.

Well, the guesses were... close... ... ... ... ... ... Well, no.

Then Mark launched into a speech. "In an alternate dimension, or distant future if you must, many people will became sick, nasty, and horny-"

Matthew smirked at Guy knowingly. Guy sweat dropped and whistled innocently.

"-and there will be magazines that will fulfill their obscure fantasies. On the back of such magazines there will be designs of games that will, in a figure of speech, 'kill time'. Those designs will also serve as distractions to avert the interest of innocent eyes. And thus, I believe that that 'map' is one of such designs."

Everybody stared at him. Then they blinked. Fortunately, Bartre hadn't been listening because he'd been eying the magazine with drool. If he had... well, let's just say that Eliwood's Elite might not have had a tactician anymore.

Mark sighed. "Or it could be a primitive blueprint for a tactical plan."

Rebecca raised her hand like she was in school and asked, "What does it say on the cover?"

Eliwood stared at the cover intently and was able to read it. "Dir-ty Mag-a-zine. Dirty Magazine."

Marcus took the magazine from Eliwood and looked at it intensely. After a while, he finally spoke. "It's a book."

The rest of the group eagerly nodded.

"And books usually have info inside them."

The rest of the group once again nodded.

"And when you open them, you can access this info which is stored inside the book."

And the group now nodded for the third time.

"So all we have to do is find a way to access this info."

The group now nodded with much less enthusiasm as they had the first time.

"... Does anybody have any ideas on how?"

The group now shrugged. Figures. Mark, Matthew, and Guy knew perfectly well what it was and were totally surprised by the fact that it had yet to occur to anybody to OPEN the thing. But they decided to play along.

Then a loud scream could be heard. The group rushed forward. They advanced quite a ways before they realized that they were going nowhere.

Then they knew that they were lost. And a couple units in the group, which would be Bartre and Lowen, were gone. The rest of the group breathed sighs of relief. They were better off without those two anyway. What nice guys.

Eventually, they came to a few houses near Lord Darin's castle. They decided to rest there for a while.

Eliwood immediately went into a tent, closed it off to the public, and searched himself for every single little speck of glitter that may have gotten on him. He even searched in spots that would have demoted the idea of him being a female... yeah... Remember, ignorance is bliss.

Hector was, undoubtedly, perturbed by his actions. He still had thoughts of Lord Helman and hula in his head. Ooooh, he's gonna have nightmares about that!

Since the chamber pot had been cleaned and then emptied out (by Bartre), Matthew happily snatched it away from a traumatized Dorcas and dropped the pair of Chinese shoes into it. Guy stared at Matthew and his "invaluable weapons of mass destruction." Hopefully the rest of his three favours won't involve them.

"OH MY GAWD!" squealed a high-pitched voice. Which would be Serra, of course. "ERK!"

Hector suddenly looked hopeful and happy. "Did she say 'urk'?!" exclaimed Hector excitedly. "Yes! The fulfillment of my desire to be rid of Serra is drawing near! She's choking! Matthew, Oswin, don't help her!"

Wow. What a guy. But, to his dismay, Serra turned around, looking perfectly happy and healthy, and said, "Did you say something?"

Hector proceeded to hiding in a tree somewhere. But don't feel bad, Hector. We all share your pain.

Then Eliwood spotted an old "friend". He quickly threw his clothes back on and ran out to greet him. "Erik!" he said. "What brings you here?"

Erik just stared at Eliwood's lower abdomen area. Eliwood followed his gaze and realized that he was in his Scottish kilt. His grandmother had made it for him. It had... bunny rabbits on it.

"Well," Erik started to say as he looked at Eliwood's skirt, "I always suspected that you were a girl."

Eliwood was taken back. "WHAT?!"

Erik ignored Eliwood as he protested and said that he was a guy. "Where's that lout, Hector?" he demanded. Suddenly, a loud, hysterical sobbing was heard from a tree. "Well," continued Erik with a smile, "that just makes my job easier."

He then tried to jab Eliwood with his lance. But at that moment, other things preoccupied Eliwood. "Oooh, a Canadian dollar!" he exclaimed. And so, he bent down and picked it up and also avoided being stabbed by the lance. Wow, being rich and staying alive at the same time, what luck.

Erik said, "You know, those things aren't worth much in Elibe. Just drop it." As he said that he prepared to stab Eliwood. But Eliwood, being the good citizen he was, decided that he didn't want to litter and he walked to a nearby garbage can to drop the coin into. Erik then missed... again. See? It does pay to be a good citizen! Just before Eliwood let go of the coin, Hector decided that he was interested too and jumped out of the tree.

"Ooh," he said, "a Canadian coin!" Eliwood turned, just when Erik tried to stab him again, and gave the coin to Hector for him to examine. Erik decided that he would try to stab both of them at once. Just then, Hector dropped the coin and both him and Eliwood bent down to pick it up. Erik missed again. As you could guess, he was very, very pissed off. Basically, he exploded.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I SHALL KILL YOU NO MATTER WHAT! MY HIDDEN SOLDIERS SHALL CONQUER YOUR PUNY ARMY!" he cried out.

Hector frowned. "Sheesh, what's his problem?"

Eliwood shrugged. "Some people just get angry for no reason whatsoever." Then he offered the coin to Erik. "Do you want to see?"

Erik then decided that he liked Canadian coins too so he eagerly reached for it when Eliwood yelled, "PSYCHE!" and pulled his hand away. All that really did was piss him off some more. Now Eliwood and Hector walked back to camp and Erik screamed out, "YOU CAN RUN BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE!"

Hector turned around to face him and rolled his eyes. "Oh puh-leeze! How much more unoriginal can you get?"

Then Erik yelled, "I SHALL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"

Hector grimaced and said, "Forget I said anything." Well, now that the battle was imminent, everybody prepared for a long and grueling fight with the approaching knights. But they didn't have to. Here's what happened:

Rebecca reached for an arrow in her quiver. But then she realized that she was at the last of her arrows. Since Mark was nearby, she ran to him and said, "Mark, I need more arrows. I ran out of them."

Mark nodded and gave her... a handful of mini-sized toilet plungers. He then explained, "Budget cut."

Rebecca returned to the fray, frowning. She sighed and took one of the plungers, prepared to shoot, and narrowly missed a knight. The bandit recoiled in fright and ran away. "IT'S THE DIRTY TOILET PLUNGER!" he screamed. "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

And that's how all the knights were driven away. They all shared the same concern for personal hygiene as the first bandit so they ran about screaming like them too. One of them tripped near Rebecca and groveled at her feet. "PLEASE!" he pleaded desperately. "SPARE ME!"

Rebecca herself was scared out of her wits by the frightful sight of the groveling knight so she ran off. But the knight didn't take the hint and cowered, waiting to be contaminated with the dirtiness of a toilet plunger, the most horrible fate mankind had bestowed upon itself. NOT. But to the knights, it was.

Now Matthew, Hector, and Oswin were quite happy. Serra was nowhere to be found. That was good. But then she came back. She wasn't alone, though. A purple-haired guy was walking around with Serra clinging to his neck. I shall now give you a moment to give him your most heartfelt pity.

Are you done? ... Oh, come on! You can't pity him that much! That's the problem with readers these days. They pity Serra's victims too much. Did I say "victims"? I meant friends. No, really. I tend to get my words mixed up. Well, anyway, I'll continue the story whether you're done or not.

Erk managed to limp over to Eliwood and Hector. He then said, "I'm Erk. And I do believe that this-"

Erk had a faint but firm trace of a frown on his face.

"-'cleric' is in your service. Would you be as kind as to get her off my neck? I do need it."

After Hector and Matthew reluctantly pried a wailing Serra off of Erk's neck, Erk said, "Thank you. Now I must got and protect my new employer."

Serra beamed. "Aw, how sweet! You still care about me!"

Erk gave an indignant snort. "No. I meant my NEW employer, Lady Priscilla. I must get going now."

And so he left, leaving behind an utterly shocked Serra who later on threw herself onto Matthew and sobbed, refusing to let go. No, I'm not giving you another moment to give your pity. You took long enough last time.

Meanwhile, Eliwood had headed out to the southern village. Rebecca trailed along with him and she could've sworn that even the pirates were scared of her mini-sized toilet plungers. When they got there, they saw Erk and a troubadour talking. Well, at least Eliwood could hire them. But Mark got a different idea.

"ANTI-TOILET PLUNGER PRODUCTS SOLD HERE!" yelled an embarrassed Rebecca. She couldn't believe that she was trying to find a troubadour with "anti-toilet products".Well, it sort of worked.A red-haired girlwas swept toward her along with the rest of the villagers seeking relief from toilet plungers that threatened her hygiene.

Just as she was close enough for Rebecca to talk with her, though, one of the villagers yelled out, "LOOK OUT! SHE'S ARMED!" And of course, the villager meant the toilet plungers in Rebecca's quiver. Amidst shrieks, screams, and monkey screeches (don't ask), the red-haired girl was swept away as quickly as she had been swept in.

Mark yelled, "Time for plan B!"

Rebecca blinked. "We have a plan B?"

"Well, I'm thinking up one right now!"

And that was how Rebecca was walking through town without her bow and plungerswearingone of 'em glasses with the fake nose and moustache attached. Y'know, bow and plungers doesn't actually sound too bad. It could replace bow and arrows.

Well, like in those cliche disguises incident, nobody could tell that the big-nosed man with the glasses and moustache was actually Rebecca. She hadn't changed anything else, just a pair of the afore-mentioned glasses. Stupid cliches. Then when she reached where Erk and Priscilla had been swept to in the midst of panic, she yanked off her glasses. The villagers within her vincinity quickly darted away. Clean freaks.

Anyway, Rebecca spoke to Priscilla and Erk. "YOU BETTER FREAKIN' JOIN MY GROUP AFTER ALL THE #$ TROUBLE I WENT THROUGH!"

Priscilla was quite meek. "I'm sorry but I can't leave."

Rebecca's eye twitched. "You... can't... ... ... leave?"

Priscilla and Erk shook their heads. The troubadour continued as the archer looked on with shock. "The lord around here fanciesme. He has situated guards around the entrances of the village and sadly, they will not let me pass unless it is to go to the castle."

Rebecca dropped her look of shock and felt puzzled. "Guards? What guards?"

-----

Up in a tree and few branches rustled. "Dudes, is she gone yet?" asked a guard.

"Yeah dude, but let's be safe and stay up here," said another.

Several others nodded in agreement.

"Dude! Did you see all those plungers?"

"Dude, did ISEE them? I nearly got one in the face, dude!"

"Uh, dude? She was 50 metres away when we dashed up this tree."

"Dude, you can never be too safe."

"Uh, dude? Why are we all saying 'dude'?"

The leaves rustled as shoulders were shrugged.

-----

"I didn't see any guards on my way here," said Rebecca truthfully.

Priscilla looked at Erk and Erk looked at Priscilla. Then they both looked at Rebecca. "Must be their coffee break," said Erk. "Well, let's go."

And so they went. Oddly, they never saw a single villager as they passed through the gates of the village. The enemy was nowhere in sight either. Erik was standing in the middle of his side of the field all alone. Even his horse had issues with toilet plungers and had left him.

'Father will not fail me,' he thought, 'Father will send better reinforcements, Father will not leave me behind.'

-----

Ephidel watched as Lord Darin frantically packed up all his belongings into a humongous suitcase. The morph lazily said, "I don't see what the big deal is. They're just a bunch of toilet plungers."

"I nearly got one in the face!" he said as he tried to close the latch on his suitcase.

"... That archer wasaproximately 1000 metres away."

"You can never be too safe."

-----

A few minutes later Erik was bound in ropes. He was dazed. Turns out that he had issues with toilet plungers too. What is it with clean freaks and hygiene?

Anyway, Hector was interrogating him. He wasn't getting ANYWHERE, though. All he got was a nod or a shake. He sighed. Erik gave him a nod when he asked where his dad was. Then Hector tried something else. He grabbed ahold of Erik's collar and yelled, "WHY THE HECK IS YOUR FATHER NOT HERE IN THE #&$ CASTLE?! WHERE'S ELIWOOD'S DAD?!"

Eliwood quickly intervened and pried Hector's hands off of Erik's collar. "Hector!" he cried. "That's no way to treat him! Not even for questions such as these!"

And so, he grabbed Erik's collar tightly to the point of nearly suffocating him and he shook the heir of Laus like there was no tomorrow. "**WHERE'S MY 50 GOLD?!**" he bellowed in Erik's face.

Erik, however, barely flinched. "Ew, you spat on me."

"Oh. Sorry."

"The 50 gold is in the drawer over there."

Eliwood turned as Hector sighed. He then realized that there were about 20 drawers in the room. Wasting not a second, he immediately started searching through them.

As his buddy searched for his gold, Hector turned to Erik. "All right, just tell me everything before Eliwood finds out that the gold's not there and returns to strangle you."

Since Eliwood was searching every millimeter cube (mm3) of the drawers Erik had plenty of time. "Well, see, my father was planning a rebellion because he thinks that Ostia shouldn't rule Lycia. Then a creepy guy named Ephidel showed up and he had something that motivated my father's plans. Then my father sent envoys to other marquesses. Marquess Pherae approved."

Hector gasped. "Get out!"

"Well, I gladly would, see, you just have to untie me and-"

"Figure of speech. Continue."

"Grumble... mumble... grumble... Well, Marquess Pherae visited here six months ago. My father argued viciously with him. Marquess Pherae distrusted Ephidel and tried to convince my father to send the Blank Fang out of Lycia. Then, Marquess left Castle Laus and as you know, he disappeared."

"Ya know, you don't really seem worried that your dad's not here."

"Meh. He never really loved me anyway. He never got me that Barbie I wanted for Christmas..."

"Wha?"

"...! I mean, he never got me that super deluxe ultra strong and near indestructible and also really cool-looking silver lance I wanted for Christmas."

"Right... Get out."

"... Figure of speech?"

"No, really. Eliwood's nearly done checking the drawers."

"Holy crap! I gotta get out!"

"Down the hall, make a left turn, go up the stairs, and enter the door on your right."

"... That's not the exit."

"I know. It's the little girls' room. Eliwood won't look for you in there."

"... Do I have a choice?"

"Not really."

Erik decided "to heck with dignity" and went to hide in the little girls' room. Unfortunately, that's where Lowen and Bartre were. Lowen's blind. Bartre's stupid. Need I say more on how they got in there?

Upon hearing Erik enter, Lowen turned. And since he thought that I giant walking rock was in the bathroom, he said, "I don't see giant walking rocks around here often. Are you sure that this is the correctly gender-oriented bathroom for you? I mean, I don't think that much of anybody can tell with rocks."

Bartre thought that those were big words. So what cha think he did?

POW!

You're right. Well, it's gonna be a while before they seeErik again. And as he flew off in the air, he screamed, "I'LL BE BACK! I'LL BE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

Hector sighed. 'Cliches must be mandatory with villains like him,' he thought.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THERE'S NO GOLD!" wailed Eliwood. "THEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S NOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, HECTOR?! THERE'S NOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!"

Hector plugged his poor ears. Then, he decided to throw Eliwood some gold. He quickly took fifty gold from his own purse-

"Wha?" Hector frowned. "I don't want to be carryin' no sissy little girl bag! Call it my wallet!"

Fine. He quickly took fifty gold from his own WALLET and threw them to Eliwood. "I found it on the ground. Go nuts."

And he did. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPEEEEEEEE!"

"Now, let's go find your father."

"Huh?"

"Oh! THAT father! Yeah, let's go find him! I want my allowance!"

-----

Erk and Priscilla packed up their stuff from the village. As thanks for taking the red-haired troubadour into their asylum, Erk gave the village a life-time supply of anti-toilet plunger products. And they went nuts. After a short discussion, the employer and employee were accepted into Eli's-I mean, Eliwood's Elite. Sorry, old habits die hard.

Serra pouted and refused to let go of Erk's arm even as he tried to get over to Priscilla's side. "Serra, go and mob Matthew!" he yelled as his attempts to escape her were proven futile.

Matthew feverishly shook his head. "Nuh-uh. What do you think I am? A stupid, bloody bloke?"

Erk grimaced and mumbled, "I wish you were."

Priscilla quietly stepped away from the scene of her escort being mobbed when she suddenly bumped into someone. Turning around quickly, she apologized to Guy. Guy gaped and dropped his sword. Priscilla looked at him with concern. "Are you alright? I can make you feel better with my staff if you're not."

All of a sudden, Guy got disturbing mental pictures that involved Priscilla's staff making him feel better. He blames the dirty magazines. "Er, it's all right..."

Quickly, he dashed off from Priscilla, the girl whose beauty he had yet to see be topped by another's. Except maybe the stripper in that other magazine he had read. But that didn't count. Was he.. in love? Oooh...

-----

And so, yet another chapter is done. Eliwood and Hector now guide their companions, old and new, into dangerous bouts with the enemy as they search for Eliwood's father and the allowance that he owes to his son. Greedy little git, isn't he?

-----

**----- End of Chapter**

-----

Priscilla: She's a nice troubadour... ... ... Well, this is short.

Erk: How'd he get that name? I'd be pretty 'irked' if I got a name like that. Get it? ... ... ... I'll be quiet now.

-----

Well, how'd you enjoy this chapter?

Nils: They probably didn't.

Shut up. Anyways, please review! And if you notice anything missing in the previous chapters because I was revising them, feel free to tell me.


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